Recognising Conditioning

They say a pattern is formed earlier in life, and that assumptions about life is made during strong emotions. The very early memory will less likely have details of specific events. And most events either lose details or become forgotten with time, unless prompted.

I had forgotten these two events for a very long time, and a few days of active questioning for them to surface. Both events are from when I was about 8 or 9.

One was mum making a decision for me to part with a clothing item. I didn't particularly like it nor it fitted me properly because I got too big. I don't remember the exact conversation about it, just mum expressing her frustration and me not liking the entire experience. I decided not to have any more opinions about what I wear, and it was from then on confirmed over and over that she didn't approve my own choices of clothes.

Second was a strong desire to just pull everything out from all the drawers and cover the entire floor with my stuff. And then I went into fear about the consequences of what if I really did, which made me not take that action. I already didn't like putting things away, and then stayed in fear about the imagined consequences of doing something about it.

I have yet to come to the earliest memories of why I don't like cleaning, or tidy spaces. It may even not be from this lifetime. I have read some theories about how hoarding could be from a life of poverty.

Before sundown, before we got eaten too much by mosquitoes, I pulled out a few weeds.